"I wanna hold your Gland, yeah, yeah, yeahhh..." Entirely Nursing-Humor
Funny Actual Newspaper Headlines
Some 40% of female gas station employees in Metro Detroit are women, up from almost none a year ago. (Detroit News article)
Marijuana Issue Sent To A Joint Committee (Toronto Star headline)
Publicize your business absolutely free! Send $6. (Entrepreneur Magazine ad)
Gators To Face Seminoles With Peters Out (The Tallahassee Bugle)
Messiah Climaxes In Chorus Of Hallelujahs (The Anchorage, Alaska Times)
Married Priests In Catholic Church A Long Time Coming (The New Haven, Connecticut Register)
Governor Chiles Offers Rare Opportunity To Goose Hunters (The Tallahassee Democrat)
Would She Climb To The Top Of Mr. Everest Again? Absolutely! (The Houston Chronicle)<br>
Governor's Penis Busy [should be Pen Is] (The New Haven, Connecticut Register)
Thanks To President Clinton, Staff Sgt. Fruer Now Has A Son
Clinton Places Dickey In Gore's Hand (Bangor Maine News)
Starr Aghast At First Lady Sex Position (The Washington Times)
Clinton Stiff On Withdrawal (The Bosnia Bugle)
Long Island Stiffens For Lili's Blow (Newsday)
Organ Festival Ends In Smashing Climax (San Antonio Times)
Rose Petroleum Jelly Keeps Idle Tools Rust-free (Chicago Daily News)
Textron Inc. Makes Offer To Screw Company Stockholders (The Miami Herald)
Lawyer Says Client Is Not That Guilty.
Alzheimer's Center Prepares For An Affair To Remember
Gas Cloud Clears Out Taco Bell.
Harrisburg Postal Employees Gun Club Members Meet
Georgia Peaches California Grown 89 Cents lb.
The Boston Globe ran a story on the Ford/Volvo deal. The headline was Have You Driven a Fjord Lately?
Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty
Man Jumps off 2nd Street Bridge Neither Jumper Nor Body Found
MEDICAL BLOOPERS
The following statements were found on patient's charts during a recent review of medical records. These statements were written by various health care professionals:
"The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately."
"The skin was moist and dry."
"The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."
"I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy."
"The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week."
"The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker instead."
"When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."
"By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better."
"Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year."
"On the second day knee was better; on the third day it had completely disappeared."
"Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing."
"The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed."
"Discharge status: Alive but without permission. Patient needs disposition; therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him."
"Healthy-appearing, decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful."
"The patient refused an autopsy."
"The patient has no past history of suicides."
"The patient expired on the floor uneventfully."
"Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital."
"Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree."
"Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities."
"Patient's history is insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past 3 days."
"The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints."
"She is numb from her toes down."
"While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home."
"Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches."
"Patient was alert and unresponsive."
